Interview with Lallie Napier
By: Kevin 'Myth Master' Adams

I've got no time for self absorbed artists who won't reply or scaredy pants writers who won't let me write about their intimate personal life!

Bah! If you're too scared to face me then, PISS OFF!!!

There are so many horrible things in life:

Taxes, Traffic and being interviewed by two snarky Canadians to name a few.

None more terrifying than being in my presence!

So, now then, let us all delve into the life of Lallie Napier.

Myth Master: Greetings Lallie, are you ready for your 'session'?

Lallie Napier: Sweet, shoot!

Myth Master: I prefer a 'hands on' approach over guns.

Lallie Napier: I am happy to participate, I will do my best to respond quickly and concisely with a sprinkling of fairy dust.

Myth Master: Can you fart rainbows too?

Lallie Napier: As a matter of fact I can, it's a Canadian thing.

Myth Master: Tell us about yourself.

Lallie Napier: I have 3 children, two of whom are high functioning autistic, they are 18, 11 and 7. I love purple above all other colors, tea in lieu of coffee and help run an outreach program out of my house. I fell in love with poetry long ago and try to use the same vivid descriptions in my novels, language is my hands–down favorite toy!

I am an author and Mental Health Advocate from Midland, Ontario, Canada. I was taught by my Scottish mother and even more Scottish Grandmother how to appreciate and utilize the English language while growing up on a farm with my 3 sisters. I love being able to use nothing but words to allow strangers to see the world as I see it, even if only for a moment.

Myth Master: You've self published, please tell us some about that experience.

Lallie Napier: I have been most fortunate in my life to bump into the right people. I was recruited while walking down the street with my daughter in her stroller 7 years ago by The Nursing Mom's Project. They aim to normalize and beautify breastfeeding, so I got to work with the incomparable Bill Ivy as a nursing model and fine art model for many years. As it happens his wife has a publishing house that can assign ISBN numbers to any books they produce so, once I had the money required I published! It was November of 2017.

Myth Master: Love life?

Lallie Napier: I am still searching for a man whom I can love and support as I wish to be loved and supported. A true partner. I have been married twice, the first was abusive and lasted 6 years. The second slowly devolved into agreed friendship and lasted 8. 

Myth Master: During your Podcast with the shenanigan twins (Mike & Steph) you mentioned that you sing, in what scope? For fun? For a church? Random strangers?

Lallie Napier: I have used singing as a reason to get out and try to be social. A little cafe in my town (The Hidden Agenda) hosts sober karaoke every Friday night. I have been attending twice a month to work on my confidence and stage–fright. I must admit I have serenaded random strangers from time to time.

Myth Master: You also mentioned that you've visited the US, care to tell us something of your thoughts?

Lallie Napier: My family visited Florida to vacation for a few weeks in August when I was younger. I was there for Hurricane Andrew, thankfully we were not in the path of the storm but what a show! Walking along the beach with all the water missing so we could see the ocean floor is something I will not forget. Another year I caught a record Red fish at The Long Pier. That's about all I remember.

Myth Master: Why use your middle name as a last name?

Lallie Napier: For two purposes, first to honor my clan. Napier is my mother's father's mother's maiden name. The Napier clan is my bloodline and my second born carries the same middle name. Second, to separate my personal life and professional life.  

Myth Master: Pets?

Lallie Napier: I have 2 long haired Chihuahuas, they are mother and son. Their names are Zelda and Grognak. I also house my eldest's cat he is 13.5 pounds and long enough to stretch the height of our kitchen counter. His name is Mestophiles, he's a tuxedo.

Myth Master: Do you believe chocolate is a vegetable?

Lallie Napier: Scientifically speaking no, however being of the gender that ovulates I can say 'hells yes!' with equal conviction.

Myth Master: So, what was the reason you never graduated when you were younger?

Lallie Napier: I was not diagnosed Bipolar until age 34. Having a mental illness, battling addiction, making extremely poor choices, regularly fighting suicidal compulsions, being afraid to speak or express myself for fear of the repercussions of my words. It can be difficult for those who haven't lived it to understand.

An example: Age 12, for my graduation from elementary school the girls in my class, who were my bullies, put together little booklets to get signatures and messages the last week of school. I was handed booklets from the popular girls so I wrote them the message I wanted to write instead of the 'have a nice summer' garbage they expected.

This was the first time any of them had bothered with me aside from loading group work on my shoulders or embarrassing me with as large an audience as possible. The messages were impolite, swear–laden and personalized. I sat in the VP's office silently waiting for my mother and when she arrived I asked why.

I unloaded on the man every single thing they had ever done to me in the 8 years we had all been traveling through the education system together. It took a very long time and I wept, nearly hysterical, the entire time. In the end I was permitted to attend my graduation. I did not see I had done anything wrong.

By the time I hit grade 10, 2 years later, I was heavily into teenage binge drinking and fell off the radar as the school's truancy phone system didn't call long distance numbers and my parents' farm was outside their calling area. I washed out and married at 19.

Since that time I have gone back and finished high school with the Award for Academic Excellence, written and published my first novel 'The Name of Your Mother' (available on Amazon), written my second novel 'The Space Between' (January 2019) and been interviewed by the illusive Myth Master.

Myth Master: Interviewed…yes. Flattery will get you no where, try murder.

Myth Master: On your Facebook page you are rocking a sweet purple pirate costume, is this cosplay still a hobby for you?

Lallie Napier: That's not cosplay, I just like dressing like a pirate any opportunity I get. Pirates are awesome. Unfortunately where I live there are very few opportunities to do so.

Myth Master: You must pick one to watch for the rest of your life, Star Wars or Star Trek?  

Lallie Napier: Trek, hands down, no argument. It's like asking if I want to watch Disney for the rest of my days

Myth Master: Eeew…I got some trekkie on me. (Wipes hands on robe)

Myth Master: Do you feel your bi–polar condition has affected your ability to be a parent?

Lallie Napier: Before treatment and medication it absolutely did. I was emotionally unstable and unable to function for days at a time. Think about that, the only parent in your life couldn't get out of bed for days on end and you were a wee thing of 4–6 years old. Talk about terrifying and extremely unfair.

Myth Master: Would like to share your thoughts on thongs?

Lallie Napier: Do I use them? Yes. Am I an addict? I'd have to say no. My use is occasional and situational. I am certainly never inventing excuses to wear them.

Myth Master: What is your greatest fear?

Lallie Napier: Every time I am in a high place I feel an urge to jump off. Heights frighten me.

Myth Master: If you could choose how you die, how would you want to go?

Lallie Napier: I would do as my Granny did, a belly full of brandy and not wake up.

Myth Master: Last words?

Lallie Napier: My book 'The Name of Your Mother' is available right now on Amazon in 13 countries. My next book 'The Space Between' is due out at the end of January and I have just begun work on a young adult fiction about a princess and a dragon.

My moral of that story is to follow your heart even when it involves hard work. Beyond that we all need to remember to take care of ourselves first. Even the most expensive car will break down eventually without maintenance.

Find a way to follow your own dreams. Want to travel? Price out the trip and save $5.00 a paycheck until you save enough. Want to go back to school? Find the grants and programs and save up until you can afford to do the thing! The only thing stopping you is you. Hugs!

Myth Master: Well, I suppose it's that time.

Hapless victim…check.

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